Compassion: Do's & Don'ts in Times of Crisis

It's been a week. It's been a year - according to NPR there have already been 213 mass shootings in the U.S. in 2022 alone. My heart aches for the communities in Buffalo and Uvalde. What do you say to a grieving family? What do you say to a terrified teacher? How do we offer comfort in times like this?

My first instinct is to reach for a book on my shelf called The Compassion Code: How to Say the Right Thing When the Wrong Thing Happens by Laura Jack.

Laura weaves in a lot of best practices from the Grief Recovery Method and lays out a very simple, actionable set of do's and don'ts for how to show up and offer true compassion.

DON'T offer the following:

1. Platitudes like Everything happens for a reason or It's all part of God's plan - even with the best of intentions behind them, these words inevitably cause more harm than good.

2. Quick Fixes - we're a society of fixers, but people in the grips of a strong emotional experience don't want or need an intellectual solution. They don't need to be fixed, they just need to be heard.

3. Optimism - really a hybrid of the first two, optimism often comes couched in phrases like Look on the bright side or At least x, y, or z... Pointing out how something could be worse does not make it better.

4. Story Stealing - again, usually with the best of intentions, we want to connect with and assure the person that we understand how they feel by sharing anecdotes of same/similar things we've experienced. No two losses are the same, no matter how similar the circumstances, and comparing losses just comes across as disrespectful or even insulting.

So what DO you do and say instead? Here's Laura's advice:

1. Listen deeply.

2. Be present.

3. Acknowledge the person's feelings, and try your best to honor their perspective as what is true for them in that moment regardless of whether you agree or can relate.

4. Validate their experience, and let them know they are not alone.

5. Set judgement aside and simply be open and curious to whatever they are sharing with you.

6. Tell the truth about yourself and sincerely feel with them. For example I don't know what to say... I feel so sad that you have to go through this. I love you and I'm here for you. Whatever words feel authentic for you and between you and the other person in that moment. Your authentic version might sound more like This fucking sucks and the world is dumpster fire. I'll be in your feelings with you, text me whatever/whenever.

Ultimately, it's not about what you say. It's about how you listen.